Never Been A Friend
by SIB
Summary: [HikaruAkira] Part One: Thoughts in Akari's mind as she witnesses her childhood friend mature into someone she no longer knew. Part Two: Words Sai wishes to say. The problem is he can no longer say them.
1. Part One: Akari

**Author Notes:** Okay, this is only a short one-shot which I got an idea to write after I re-watched the whole Hikaru no Go TV Series. I know I still have other stories to be finished, yet I could not dismiss my will to write this so easily. It's just a short rambling of Akari about her childhood friend. Hope you enjoy it!

**Revised Note **[07-19-2004]: Thank you to to _Dephanie_ and _darkangstscary_ for pointing my errors in both vocabulary and grammar. ****

**DISCLAIMER:** Every character in the fic belongs to Yumi Hotta and Takeshi Obata.

**WARNING:** Hints of Hikaru/Akira pairing here.

_Italicized words_ mean the words are somehow important.

_/Italicized words in here/_ represent the character's thought, whose thought it is I think you can guess.

**Never Been a Friend**

**Author: SIB**

**Part One: Akari**

I don't understand him.

Once I used to understand. He was a troublesome half-retarded boy back then, who had no liking at all for girls. He used to see them –including me, I believe– only as annoying loud whiny creatures and cared far too much for himself and video games. No one can expect more from him than the brat he had already been. Not until that day.

What do you think I supposed to see on a dusty tedious Go board? I was willing to help him out of the kindness of my heart and he suddenly started to hear voices, or at least he admitted to. I was barely a twelve year-old girl, okay, would he wish me not to freak out? Well, I did freak out and I just left him alone up there in the shed. The next time I heard of him, his mother claimed that her only son had been attending a Go course. I swore my jaw had dropped as soon as those words dawned on me.

Then he started to change. Instead of hanging around with friends of his age, he preferred to play in a Go salon, wherever it was. I felt like I was somehow deserted by the childhood friend of mine. Therefore I tried to seek why and I found Go.

I must admit, it was quite a game to play. At least that time I thought I understood his fascination in Go. But as interesting as this game can be, I'm sure there are a lot more ways to have fun, right? How could he possibly choose to play Go with a stern boring old man instead of watching movie with a much more lively and energetic girl like me? For God's sakes it was just a board with black and white stones on it! Everything was going pretty ludicrous for me. I tried to shake him away from his never-ending Go only to find that my old friend was already as hard as any rock.

Fine, if that was what he wanted, I was not going to bother him further. Despite the fact that I still spared some attentions to the school Go club, I tried to focus more in my study. The final exam was lurking at the corner and I was not quite ready for it. I forgot about him for a while until one point that I started to feel that I had lost something important.

Incredible. I was a three-grader school girl who had just stated that she was nowhere near prepared to face her exam and now somehow caught up in an idiotic love consisting a Go fad, who obviously thought 324-squared board was sexier than a fully naked girl. What could be better?

Perhaps before he had never looked at me the way I would like him to, but nonetheless he was _always_ be there to mock or merely make fun of me. And now he isn't. He is no longer the Hikaru Shindou I knew.

He had matured, from a painfully infuriating brat to a strikingly handsome young fellow. I, for being an opposite sex, of course failed to miss this unbidden maturity –not that his good looks allowed such things. Apparently I was not the only human being aware of it. Girls in our school began to chat and gossips about him began to spread. Being a possessive childhood friend, I started to feel restless every time I heard them wag their chin, praising his crystal clear magnetism. Really, all of a sudden his fans were already too many for my tolerance. I wished I could multiply myself as many as any protozoa could, countless enough to keep their hands off him.

However, my anxiety was apparently needless for he had never showed any interest in one of the girls. He was too much absorbed in Go to brood over something –or someone– else.

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot _him_.

The first time I learned the fact that Hikaru befriended this equally screwed up boy was when the said boy came stomping to our Go club. Despite his high-class and impeccable exterior, he was soon shouting unintelligible things out of my dictionary, which once again regarding Go. I must admit from that day on, I had kept a note of this mad –but terrifyingly handsome nonetheless– guy and promised myself not to let a good old friend of mine to be involved in a relationship in any shape with him.

You could imagine how shock I was to learn that the guy I secretly had a crush on, took a liking to this weird dark-haired Go player.

It had never crossed my mind even once that he could turn out as mad as this. In the name of every gods and holy spirits, why him? From all of the people he could fall in love with!

The idea seemed practically absurd at first. I knew there were relationships between a guy and a guy, yet I had never noticed them much. What they had to do with my peaceful quite life? He was merely falling in love –which I thought was only for a little while– with Go and not with any player he had ever encountered. But apparently fate spoke in a different way.

I could have called myself brainless and sightless for overlooking points which were clearly laid out before my eyes. I had seen the touches they left, I had witnessed the glances they shared, and the pompous girl in me was still dumb enough to think that they were simply friends. At least until that night.

The wind was mercilessly cold that night, as I walked myself home from the preparation course. Apart from the thickly falling snow, I forced myself to visit his house since despite enrolling to the same school in the same year, we hardly met. I guess I missed him in several ways. Of course, it was ridiculous to be jealous to Go, nevertheless I did feel it breeding within me. Anyway, his mother was so grateful to welcome my sudden coming and she allowed me to go up straight to his room. I don't know whether it was because my mind was too cramped with other thoughts or I was too nervous to meet him again, that I barely noticed another pair of shoes slouched beside mine. Therefore, I was pretty much unprepared for the next scene I fortuitously saw.

Ragged breath accompanied the picture of entwined limbs and bare skin. The two Go players were clinging to each other desperately as moans and whimpers filled the bedroom. Not even a major earthquake could shake me as much.

The next picture I remember is the narrow stairs of his house on which I so swiftly raced. I don't even recall whether I had said any farewell to his mother. My mind was utterly blank for the shock was far too overwhelming.

Snow was still falling heavily as I stepped out of that damn house. I could feel tears streaking on my cheeks, made them even colder. Surprisingly, I felt that my heart was not as shocked as I had expected, as if this was something I had unconsciously predicted long ago. His eyes shone the brightest whenever he was near him, but I refused to believe –at least the logical part of me. _/They are just friends./_

No.

They have never been friends. They have always been rivals, and now to add, lovers.

Nevertheless, I wasn't supposed to be so surprised. Their long-standing rivalry had been planted so deep until the point of being irreplaceable. Most of the parts of their mind were occupied with each other, even though in the perspective of professionalism. And there was the time when Hikaru suddenly crumbled. I knew perfectly well that I wasn't the one that brought the life in his eyes back. Akira did. His relentless searching and comings saved my friend from sinking even lower, pulled him back to the world he supposedly belonged. It was not odd that Hikaru eventually fell for him.

Two guys who obviously think that the other was the only thing worth thinking of apart from Go; what can be better for them than each other? They are happy and content with themselves and their Go. As for me, perhaps soon enough I will even find a gorgeous guy who is madly in love with me instead of Go. Everything will be pieced back together, as perfect as any world can be.

However...

I do wish that Hikaru had not suddenly run out of money and suddenly gotten an idea to rummage the shed that day.

**Owari**

**Author Ramblings:** Well, that's all. I apologize if there are errors here and there. Also, I think I the characters are too ooc, sorry for that. I know this story is far from perfect, still I had some fun by writing it. I hope you have it too by reading it Thanks for reading and please review!


	2. Part Two: Sai

**Author Notes:** Another short rambling, which once again I wrote due to the inerasable impact after re-watching Hikaru no Go. Now it is about Sai speaking of Hikaru. Please enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER:** Every character in the fic belongs to Yumi Hotta and Takeshi Obata.

**WARNING:** Hints of Hikaru/Akira pairing here. Sai may be extremely OOC.

_Italicized words_ mean the words are somehow important.

**Never Been a Friend**

**Author: SIB**

**Part Two: Sai**

I regretted many things in life.

Even in the afterlife, I still regret several things I have yet to accomplish. But greed I will be to ask so many since Kami-sama has bequeathed me with a blessing only few souls can attain. I was allowed to exist in the world of mortals, to piece back my entirety which had been shattered by that loathsome fraud so long ago, even in the shape of mere specter residing in a Go board.

And I was allowed to meet you.

Not even during my short mortal life I had ever met someone like you, one so honest and magnificently pure. You baffled me in our first meeting because you lost your consciousness as soon as you saw me, but I could hardly blame a young boy for fainting in a ghost's appearance since you were nowhere near prepared for such thing that time. Well, Torajirou might not faint in this case but it is only too true that the two of you are different. He is calm while you are brash. He respects me as a teacher but you treat me as a friend. He chooses to be passive, to let me play, but there is nothing you hate more than inferiority; you want to play.

Oh, right. This was the issue, wasn't it? You refused to deal with Go a while ago when you were finally liberated from the curse which rendered you to be imprisoned with me for the rest of your life. You blamed yourself for this so-called selfishness you labeled yourself with, _just because you wanted to play._ If only you knew how badly I wanted to smack you with my fan when I heard about this. I know you are not particularly bright at school but I have never expected you to be this… obtuse.

Did this never occur to you, that I was actually doing the same selfishness you kept blaming when I asked you to let me stay in your heart? I ruined your life with my presence merely because I wanted to play Go. I needed to play. Was that _not selfish_? If you called yourself selfish, what should the world call me then? Your grief made my wonder if my deeds were indeed forgivable, but Kami-sama refused to answer. All I could say, for all of the tears you have spilled, for any other future you would probably acquire if there was no spirit next to you, forcing you to walk down the path of Go, for those times you have generously spent in order to satisfy my hunger of Go, I truly apologize. My egotistical desire to attain the Move of God is solely my fault, also the misery that you felt.

However, none of what I have said nor asked would reach your ears. You kept crying, blaming yourself while I could only watch over you miserably. When Torajirou passed away, I thought the greatest sorrow was to be left behind by someone you loved, but I was absolutely wrong. It is when you make the one you love sad the greatest sorrow stays with you.

I will be forever grateful to Touya.

He said none of the above, he did not even know the story of a specter inhabiting his rival, but he brought you back nonetheless. It was his passion, his unyielding determination to not let you sink yourself down which saved you. And I am grateful that now you are trying your best to pay that debt.

Not that it surprised me. I was only a ghost at your side but I had been human once and I recognized the work of fate. I might be the one introducing you to Go, but he guided you to dive into it, to put Go the foremost of your life. And with a talent such like yours, it would be ridiculous –not to mention, foolish– to not take that path he showed you.

I have never said it before, haven't I? That you do have talent, that is.

There were so many things I chose not to tell you while I still could and now I am lamenting of how conceited I was. You proved your hard work, you let me see the best of your games, and yet, being the overly proud spirit that I was, I have never acknowledged you. I have never looked at you as a threat or one who should be counted in my league, unaware of whether or not my attitude dishearten you. I saw only _him_ as a hazard to my path in obtaining the Move of God. You know, you were probably correct when you –in rage– told me that I was not even capable to pick the Go stones by myself. You had the right to be mad.

But, no. Instead, you cried in my absence, rage was the last thing in your mind. I sincerely wished that you would just be angry since it would diminish a little of my guilt but with each of your sob, you stabbed me more. It was the most horrible stage I have ever walked on because I could do nothing to help you, the one I loved most.

If only I did not meet you...

If only I did not choose to commit suicide a thousand year ago...

If only I were not so immaturely selfish, you would not be this wretched.

But now, seeing you in the way you are, I wonder if Kami-sama is indeed that heartless. Touya, as always, guides you back to where you should belong, something I can no longer do, and he stays by your side, lending you strength I can no longer give. You have found him, Hikaru, and I do think it worth my leaving. Because he can offer you the completeness of rivalry I lack. He sees _only you _in his eyes_._

Well then, I think I can safely leave you in his hand, because when you finally realize your love for him, the sense of wholeness every human seek will find you. I know your heart, Hikaru, no need to deny my words. Just wait patiently until the time comes and you will see that I have dwelled a part of your heart for three years not for nothing. You, as well, only see him. It might begin merely with your pride not to lose to a child of your age, then ascended into obsession, and eventually ended with... what? It is not for me to decide, but watching the kindling of fire in your eyes every time you meet him gives me few ideas.

There, see? You blush again at his words. He hardly says anything embarrassing, you know, just asking why you are looking at him. Soon, Hikaru, he will know of your feeling and that time, I will wish both of you happiness.

Me? No, I am not lonely... well, at least not lonely enough to try separating you from him and keep you for myself. I have passed my time with you, moments I will forever cherish and I am trying my best not to repeat the same mistake. It is enough for me to witness you maturing into a fine gentleman, a Go player who will make every teacher proud.

Right, I have yet to say that either. I am immensely proud of you, Hikaru; it was a great honor for me to teach you Go. You gave me not only your finest efforts but also a reason for me to stay. Your laughter told me that you were happy to have me beside you. Your interminable attempts to obtain me a chance to play _him_ showed me that I was not only an empty presence in your heart. You have given me so much to hold. Probably Kami-sama thought I have received too much and you needed someone else to share your love with, not a specter that should have died a thousand years ago.

Well, at least he loves you.

As for me, I will just sit here to watch you, sometimes probably in hope that it is still me who walk shoulder to shoulder with you –yes, you have grown up that fast– instead of him.

Well, at least he loves you.

I love you too, but that doesn't matter, does it? These words will never reach you anyway.

But I do hope my pray will. _Be happy, Hikaru._

**Owari******

**Author Ramblings:** I am sure Sai is OOC up there… Anyway, this is what I want to write. If you notice any error, please tell me and I will try to fix it. Thank you for reading! I will be so happy if you are willing to review!


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